SHAFTWAXER

There are some people in this world that have developed addictive personalities. Maybe something was missing in their life, maybe they were not hugged enough as a child, maybe they never really recovered from “Friends” going off the air. Either way, they searched for something in their lives to cover up that huge gaping hole in their dark soul.

Some of these people turned to heroin. Others turned to alcohol. My favourite group of people, however, would be the people that are addicted to religion. Even better are the people that replaced one addiction with another. I’m surprised at how many people I knew who became priests after a self-proclaimed “sinful lifestyle” that involved drugs, booze, and women (or maybe they are just saying women…) My fear is that people are running away from one problem and never dealing with it. Instead we just jump head first into our new, socially acceptable addiction. How else could people like Robert Tilton still be making money?

I have a separate email account that I use specifically to sign up or register for shit, knowing full well that I’m going to get gang raped by spam. I’ve noticed that there is a new trend. Aside from massive penis enlargement solutions, fantastic mortgage rates, and free PSP tail-wagging offers, there is now a bevy of messages designed to get to that discerning Christian market. Take this one for example:

Are you a Christian? Are you single? Are you over 30?

If you are ready to settle down and are interested in meeting QUALITY CHRISTIAN SINGLES that share the same morals and ideals as yourself, then visit SHITTYWEBSITE.COM today!

All you have to do to get started is to provide a short profile about yourself, and we will match you will hundreds of REAL CHRISTIANS from YOUR AREA! This is NOT an online dating site, so there’s no wasting time.

CLICK HERE to connect today. We have thousands of REAL CHRISTIANS over the age of 30 that are ready to meet you TODAY!

Note that the flagrant abuse of the caps lock key is universal across all religions and faiths. Also note that this isn’t dating. This is matching. Big difference. One makes the baby Jesus cry, the other is a testament to your faith. Also, all of the text in the message was made up of image files in a vain attempt to defeat the junk mail filter. There were some words on the bottom, however. Placed there in an attempt to fool us. One of the passages was strangely appropriate:

It’s also a good day to focus your time on favorite places, activities and people. Spend time developing one of your many talents. Today you’ll have dual needs. Avoid situations that seem overly complex. Instead, choose to do things in the simplest manner possible.

Touche. This email is not to be outdone by the ever popular “Eliminate debt the CHRISTIAN way!” that also seems to pop up. Inside there is always this picture of a glorious WASP couple, dashing blond hair, holding his daughter with his wife hanging on his arm, laughing and smiling that they have destroyed they debt and Satan in one fatal swoop!

What would Jesus do? Apparently spam the ever living fuck out of me.

I would like to think that I’m at least a little smarter than the average computer user. Using Internet Explorer is painful to me, and I make it my personal mission to get people to not use that gaping security nightmare any chance I can. I also recognize that using Outlook is like asking the garbage man to come once a month and hope that it’s not going to get too stinky. I don’t randomly click YES to anything that wants to install (thanks Microsoft for ActiveX…) and because I use FireFox, I have yet to see a popup window in years…

…until today.

I was installing a very small program that would assist me in making DVDs. This was apparently a bad choice because while it was trying to install, it stopped. It only got as far as installing the metric fuckton of spy ware and ad ware on my machine before it crapped out. Suddenly my computer was “enhanced” with all sorts of new “features”, things I didn’t know I wanted, but some marketing genius figured would be a good idea. Apparently it was an even better idea to not tell me that it was going to be installed too, I apparently don’t know myself enough to know if I do or do not want something. If only this worked with women…

So now, when you go to any web site or launch any application, the great program called Aurora will launch other windows, showing you products specifically designed for your needs and interests, focused marketing to make you a better person. The best one was when it popped up a window informing me that I could have spy ware on my computer and to click here to remove it. Yeah, thanks shithead. That’s like Hitler running to the Jews saying that there may be Nazi’s in their home, better let him come on in to check it out.

Ad-aware doesn’t recognize it. Spybot doesn’t recognize it. The only way to get rid of this gentle piece of fuckery is to go to their maliciously named web site and download a removal utility. How thoughtful of them.

I swear, if I ever meet any of you bastards in person, I will rip your heads off, shit down your throat, and take 8×10 glossy photos of it to send to your mothers. Bitches.

I’ve been following Phish and the various iterations of the band for well over a decade. My first show was to see them in a small theater that had at best 1200 people in it. It was a great show, and the thing that I was struck with was how diverse the crowd was. Young and old, aged hippies, college kids, average faceless nobodies… Didn’t matter, everybody was really laid back about everything. There was this powerfully strong vibe that rocked. And the dancing… Lots of dancing at the shows. They came from all across the country to experience the music and experience “it”.

Over time, something happened.

One, Jerry Garcia died. Tons of Dead fans were torn and lost, and they started coming to Phish shows as a replacement for the intense touring that both Phish and the Dead did. Two, people were no longer coming for the music, they were coming for the vibe. This led to people just coming for the epic drug use. The laid back vibe of people being really cool with it was still there, but harder to find. The people completely there for the music started to get sucked away into a sense of entitlement by some. Some joked that Phish could walk on stage and piss in the ears of their fans and the fans would take it and ask for more. While crude, there was a certain level of truth to it. To their credit, Phish never did that, and as soon as they started to fear that they were losing their edge, they called it quits after 21 years.

The guitar player is currently on tour with the second iteration of his solo project, and that’s where I was last night. For the record, that show in Chicago was easily the best live concert I have been to in 3 years or more. I danced my ass off. I’m hurting because of it now the day after, but fuck it. It was worth it. They jammed hard, they rocked harder, and I left feeling something that I had lost and not experienced in way too long.

Since my friend had won tickets off the radio for the concert, we had some extras that we needed to get rid of. Easy, we’ll sell them for face at the door, there are always a horde of people looking for extras at Phish and Phish-a-like shows, this will be easy.

Not so.

While the show was sold out, there were tons of people looking to get rid of their extras. Maybe they were people hoping to cash in on the madness of Phish fans trying to rekindle the past, but there were more tickets than people wanting them. There were, of course, a bunch of unshowered hemp wearing hippies hoping to score a “miracle” and have somebody just give them a ticket. These are the people that annoy the fuck out of me. I work hard to make the money to buy the tickets. You expect people to just give your smelly stoned ass a hand out? I don’t think so.

Time goes by, we realize we are not going to get face value. We lower the price. It’s getting dire. 2 obnoxious stoned hippie girls stagger wanting a miracle. No. They are standing there holding up their finger, hoping they will get in. Standing next to them are 3 of us holding our tickets trying to sell them for under face. What’s wrong with this picture? Another guy walks up. “I’ll give you a dollar!” No. We almost start to consider it because it’s kinda funny… and then he opens his fat mouth and adds “Hell, I wouldn’t even pay a buck for the show. It’s not worth it. Besides, sooner or later you’re going to have to do something with those tickets.” No. I don’t have to. PS: Go to hell.

Back to the obnoxious hippie chicks. They find another guy with a hemp hat who is working very hard to keep it together (yet still slurring his stoned speech together) to come up and talk to me. “Hey, man, I’m trying hard to get my girl here in the show, she really wants to see it. Why don’t you just give it to her man? I mean, you’re not gonna sell it. Just give it to her.” My friend and I are both annoyed. Knowing we are really running out of time and that we are both starting to anxious to get in, I turn and look at my friend, the one who actually bought the tickets. I say “I’ll give you $30 right now to walk in the show.” Without missing a beat, he said, “Let’s go.”

Fuckin’ hippies…

…dork

=)

As of late I have been trying to get out and walk at least a half hour a day. Sometime, if I’m feeling particularly sassy, I’ll even try running. Most of the time, I’ll choose walking or the obligatory 10 mile rollerblading option. It has been kinda shitty outside as of late, often windy, cold, or rainy. But today… Today was different. I was woken up by some people outside moving in to my building. Having only gotten a few hours of sleep but awake at a decent living hour, I thought I would make a valiant attempt to be active (or at the very least, mobile…)

Attempting to not be daunted by the computer’s cynical reminder that it was a beefy 38 degrees outside, I got my shit together, put on a hoodie, strapped on the iPod, and walked out the door to get my half hour in.

I hadn’t made it out of my driveway when it started to HAIL on me. When I finally made up my mind that I was going to keep going no matter what, it started to let up and eventually let up.

For more information on these events, see yesterday’s entry immediately below this one.

From the online edition of The Independent:

A newly discovered fragment of the oldest surviving copy of the New Testament indicates that, as far as the Antichrist goes, theologians, scholars, heavy metal groups, and television evangelists have got the wrong number. Instead of 666, it’s actually the far less ominous 616.

The Book of Revelation is traditionally considered to be written by John, a disciple of Jesus; it identifies 666 as the mark of the Antichrist. In America, the fundamentalist Christian right often use the number in sermons about the coming Apocalypse.

They and satanists responded coolly to the new “Revelation”. Peter Gilmore, High Priest of the Church of Satan, based in New York, said: “By using 666 we’re using something that the Christians fear. Mind you, if they do switch to 616 being the number of the beast then we’ll start using that.”

I could have told you this years ago.