SHAFTWAXER

Oh lucky us! The pope is here! The pope is here!

Pope Benedict XVI came to our shores and has been met with both adulation as well as protests. Seems that whole child molestation thing isn’t going away like they might have hoped it would. As far as I’m concerned, the more they bring it up, the better. They still have yet to take responsibility for their actions, not exactly the most Christian thing to do.

But that’s not my point right now. Earlier, on his visit to the White House, be made a statement praising America as a country where secular society and religious belief can co-exist. I agree. It’s possible. Unfortunately, he kept talking. He warned American bishops of the “subtle influence of secularism” that can co-opt religious people and lead even Catholics to accept abortion, divorce and co-habitation outside of marriage. Apparently birth control is one of our great moral issues that we face.

Sorry, but you are out of touch. Of course divorce is bad. Almost all of us have been effected by it. I don’t think anybody gets married with the intention of getting divorced. And if they do, what the fuck? But really. It seems that we have bigger concerns that living together or pre-marital sex.

It’s hard to take his “infallible” shit seriously when we get gems concerning the child molestation scandle like this:

What does it mean to speak of child protection when pornography and violence can be viewed in so many homes through media widely available today?

Don’t deflect the issue. Of course violence is bad. So is a priest raping a little boy or a little girl.

THIS is just part of the reason I no longer identify myself as “Catholic”.

I was recently directed to a crazy uber-conservative’s web site. I’d seen it before and was absolutely in love with it and it’s doctrine of compassion. A small nugget of his love:

I also gave my support online for executing murderers and rapists and even those that curse father and mother as Jesus upheld in Matthew 15 and Mark 7. That made Bethany pretty upset with me too it appears. We have over 600,000 rapes in this country and I want to bring that number way down as close to 0 as possible. I would do this by swiftly, painfully and publicly executing a rapist or rapists so that everyone 10 years old and up would witness the execution and have that image and association in the back of their minds for the rest of their lives. Every time they hear the word rape they will see that person or persons being executed by the hands or instrumentality of their victim(s) and their familie(s). That would make rape a rare occurence again if we did that.

So once again, in review: The culture of life says it’s OK to kill after you leave the uterus, but not when you are in it.

Alright.

I love this man, too.

Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition, host of the 700 Club, and batshit insane televangelist beams in with this nugget of Christian compassion and understanding:

You know, I don’t know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we’re trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it.

Yes. That’s right. Pat Robertson, a (supposed) man of the cloth, is encouraging the United States to assassinate a foreign leader. This isn’t really all that shocking if you look at his star studded career. A few years ago he urged all of his “followers” to pray for change in the Supreme Court. Now that O’Conner has announced her retirement, he is getting more specific in his demands by asking his “followers” to pray for “more vacancies in the Supreme Court”. Yes. He’s asking God to KILL OFF MORE JUSTICES. Lest we forget how 9/11 was really all the fault of liberals, gays, atheists, and pro-choice people or how he recently confused statements Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Cal) made with satirical commentary from a right-wing web site…

Maybe he should pray for a conscience.

Hello. My name is Earl Bagina, and I’m a drug user. DO YOU HEAR THAT TOM FUCKING CRUISE?!? I USE DRUGS, YOU CHROME PLATED ASS HOLE!!!

When last we left our antihero, he was trying desperately to not come down with the sickness, disease, and pestilence his fearless girlfriend gave to him via direct cootie injection. As per the usual, I started my regiment of excessive orange juice by IV. A 96oz bottle and a half later, for the most part, aside from some bonus aches, a few extra sneezes, and a slightly sore throat, I had managed to win the battle over who controls my body… Almost. I’m pretty convinced the headache was sinus related. To combat this, our good friends Benedryl and Sudefed came through in a pinch. Sure, I slept through the afternoon and was somewhat disoriented for the evening, but it sure beats wandering around with a pride of lions clawing from the inside out through your skull.

Now sure, these are not the kind of drugs that Tommy Cruise is talking about in his latest diatribe over medication. He’s talking about psychiatric medication. I will be the first to agree that there is a certain degree of (for lack of a better word) weakness among the general population when it comes to drugs for mental health. Taking a pill doesn’t fix everything. Taking a pill is just a tool, one of MANY TOOLS, designed to fix an imbalance in your brain chemistry. I use the analogy of a crutch. A crutch can be used to help you while something is healing, relying on it only when necessary. Others only rely on it and never fully recover or heal. If you are taking those kinds of drugs, you should probably also be working with a therapist or counselor to help get you on track as well.

You don’t just pop a pill and have shit magically get better and be OK. THAT’S where the weakness is. People are afraid to do the real work, to look inward and face the demons. The drugs will help you along, they will not kill your demons. They will just give you a bigger sword to work with.

So when Tommy Boy comes on and starts talking shit about things he really doesn’t know about, it’s insulting. Fortunately, I would imagine that people are looking at him and wondering what the fuck has gotten into him. I’m annoyed enough with him that I really would not be upset if I were to never see another one of his films. As a public figure, he gains access to people, and with that access comes responsibility.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. He says that he has done the research. I doubt it. He quotes studies that never have taken place, he quotes statistics that are entirely misguided or flat out wrong. And what’s best is when he discounts the personal experience of others, insinuating that he knows better. Just because it didn’t work for Tom, I guess it doesn’t work for anybody.

Sorry, Tom. You’re an ass hole.

John Hostettler, Republican Representative for Indiana’s 8th district (the same guy who wants to change Interstate 69 to something else more “moral” because clearly things like education, poverty, homelessness, health care, the national debt, the war in Iraq, civil liberties, corruption, and government fraud are merely secondary issues) decided to toss out this little nugget of kindness, tolerance, and understanding on the floor of the House Monday:

“The long war on Christianity in America continues today on the floor of the United States House of Representatives. It continues unabated with aid and comfort to those who would eradicate any vestige of our Christian heritage being supplied by the usual suspects, the Democrats. Like a moth to a flame, Democrats can’t help themselves when it comes to denigrating and demonizing Christians.”

Oh yes… The poor oppressed Christians and the LONG WAR they have endured… If only a day would come when they could worship freely. If only they could even go as far as to wear a symbol of their faith on a bracelet or even around their neck without fear of being arrested or physically assaulted. Maybe one day, we could even have a President who could freely admit he was a Christian… One can only dream…

Fuck you, John. Seriously. Fuck you.

There are some people in this world that have developed addictive personalities. Maybe something was missing in their life, maybe they were not hugged enough as a child, maybe they never really recovered from “Friends” going off the air. Either way, they searched for something in their lives to cover up that huge gaping hole in their dark soul.

Some of these people turned to heroin. Others turned to alcohol. My favourite group of people, however, would be the people that are addicted to religion. Even better are the people that replaced one addiction with another. I’m surprised at how many people I knew who became priests after a self-proclaimed “sinful lifestyle” that involved drugs, booze, and women (or maybe they are just saying women…) My fear is that people are running away from one problem and never dealing with it. Instead we just jump head first into our new, socially acceptable addiction. How else could people like Robert Tilton still be making money?

I have a separate email account that I use specifically to sign up or register for shit, knowing full well that I’m going to get gang raped by spam. I’ve noticed that there is a new trend. Aside from massive penis enlargement solutions, fantastic mortgage rates, and free PSP tail-wagging offers, there is now a bevy of messages designed to get to that discerning Christian market. Take this one for example:

Are you a Christian? Are you single? Are you over 30?

If you are ready to settle down and are interested in meeting QUALITY CHRISTIAN SINGLES that share the same morals and ideals as yourself, then visit SHITTYWEBSITE.COM today!

All you have to do to get started is to provide a short profile about yourself, and we will match you will hundreds of REAL CHRISTIANS from YOUR AREA! This is NOT an online dating site, so there’s no wasting time.

CLICK HERE to connect today. We have thousands of REAL CHRISTIANS over the age of 30 that are ready to meet you TODAY!

Note that the flagrant abuse of the caps lock key is universal across all religions and faiths. Also note that this isn’t dating. This is matching. Big difference. One makes the baby Jesus cry, the other is a testament to your faith. Also, all of the text in the message was made up of image files in a vain attempt to defeat the junk mail filter. There were some words on the bottom, however. Placed there in an attempt to fool us. One of the passages was strangely appropriate:

It’s also a good day to focus your time on favorite places, activities and people. Spend time developing one of your many talents. Today you’ll have dual needs. Avoid situations that seem overly complex. Instead, choose to do things in the simplest manner possible.

Touche. This email is not to be outdone by the ever popular “Eliminate debt the CHRISTIAN way!” that also seems to pop up. Inside there is always this picture of a glorious WASP couple, dashing blond hair, holding his daughter with his wife hanging on his arm, laughing and smiling that they have destroyed they debt and Satan in one fatal swoop!

What would Jesus do? Apparently spam the ever living fuck out of me.