SHAFTWAXER

There are some people in this world that have developed addictive personalities. Maybe something was missing in their life, maybe they were not hugged enough as a child, maybe they never really recovered from “Friends” going off the air. Either way, they searched for something in their lives to cover up that huge gaping hole in their dark soul.

Some of these people turned to heroin. Others turned to alcohol. My favourite group of people, however, would be the people that are addicted to religion. Even better are the people that replaced one addiction with another. I’m surprised at how many people I knew who became priests after a self-proclaimed “sinful lifestyle” that involved drugs, booze, and women (or maybe they are just saying women…) My fear is that people are running away from one problem and never dealing with it. Instead we just jump head first into our new, socially acceptable addiction. How else could people like Robert Tilton still be making money?

I have a separate email account that I use specifically to sign up or register for shit, knowing full well that I’m going to get gang raped by spam. I’ve noticed that there is a new trend. Aside from massive penis enlargement solutions, fantastic mortgage rates, and free PSP tail-wagging offers, there is now a bevy of messages designed to get to that discerning Christian market. Take this one for example:

Are you a Christian? Are you single? Are you over 30?

If you are ready to settle down and are interested in meeting QUALITY CHRISTIAN SINGLES that share the same morals and ideals as yourself, then visit SHITTYWEBSITE.COM today!

All you have to do to get started is to provide a short profile about yourself, and we will match you will hundreds of REAL CHRISTIANS from YOUR AREA! This is NOT an online dating site, so there’s no wasting time.

CLICK HERE to connect today. We have thousands of REAL CHRISTIANS over the age of 30 that are ready to meet you TODAY!

Note that the flagrant abuse of the caps lock key is universal across all religions and faiths. Also note that this isn’t dating. This is matching. Big difference. One makes the baby Jesus cry, the other is a testament to your faith. Also, all of the text in the message was made up of image files in a vain attempt to defeat the junk mail filter. There were some words on the bottom, however. Placed there in an attempt to fool us. One of the passages was strangely appropriate:

It’s also a good day to focus your time on favorite places, activities and people. Spend time developing one of your many talents. Today you’ll have dual needs. Avoid situations that seem overly complex. Instead, choose to do things in the simplest manner possible.

Touche. This email is not to be outdone by the ever popular “Eliminate debt the CHRISTIAN way!” that also seems to pop up. Inside there is always this picture of a glorious WASP couple, dashing blond hair, holding his daughter with his wife hanging on his arm, laughing and smiling that they have destroyed they debt and Satan in one fatal swoop!

What would Jesus do? Apparently spam the ever living fuck out of me.