SHAFTWAXER

5 days before we move: I call the cable company to establish TV and broadband internet service. I unfortunately am directed to an answering service as “all of our customer service representatives are currently assisting other customers right now”. It directs me to leave a metric fuckton of details in the message and tells me that somebody will return my call to set up the appointment within 24 hours.

3 days before we move: 48 hours later, I have yet to receive my call back. I’m annoyed. This ends up being a very early warning sign of the bullshit to come. I make yet another call. I’m a little shittier on the phone and point out that they never called me back.

2 days before we move: I get a call and they tell me they can get somebody there 2 days after we move in. Not too bad, like we really could do anything useful on the computer or with the TV while we are unpacking everything.

Moving day: It rains. A lot. More on this later.

2 days after we move: It’s a Monday. Cable guy shows up between 1 and 5, in this case, pleasantly early. He tries to set shit up, but he finds that the signal to our apartment is really weak. no regular channels are coming in and only a couple of digital do. Internet is totally useless. Beyond this, the apartment complex is REALLY old, and somehow they managed to retrofit the apartments with cable jacks in quite possibly the most useless and insane locations. No matter what, you are almost forced into one furniture setting unless you want to do something like run the coaxial cables under rugs or fish it under the carpet. The second bedroom (the one that we turned into our office… you know, the place with… I don’t know… THE COMPUTERS) does not have a jack. Cable guy informs me that not only will they be able to get a jack put in, but they wont have any problems running the cords under the carpet. He tells me that somebody will be calling me and setting the appointment for a specialist to come out and set things up within 1 to 3 days. I’m disappointed, but it seems respectable.

4 days after we move: On day 2 of the promised “1 to 3 days”, I finally get the call and they tell me that the absolute earliest that they can get somebody out here is next Monday. Seems “1 to 3 days” really means “next fucking week”. At this point, I’m pissed. I do all my business by the internet. It is my means to send out my product and communicate with my clients. This does NOT bode well.

9 days after we move: NEXT Monday. A new cable guy comes out. He smells like he has just got done smoking the whole fucking Marlboro factory. He goes out of his way to not only tell me that he wont do things that I had been promised that he would, but he’s also a dick about it. His job would apparently be so much better if it didn’t involve people or doing the things that are required of him at his job. He demands that I get a letter from my complex to take care of some of the things that I need done. I’m furious. So I head over and talk with the head of maintinence and get that shit taken care of. He asks us if we know that we have “a really fuzzy signal”… No shit, ass hole. That’s why they sent you out. After knocking some of my glass shit over on my glass tables, he leaves. Nothing is solved, nothing is accomplished aside from me wanting to rip his fucking head off. Looks like we get to enjoy yet another visit from yet another cable guy. I call the company and tell them I’m furious. They promise to call back that day to set the new appointment. As 6pm nears, I call them back and ask what the fuck?!? I’m assured that somebody new will be coming out tomorrow that will not be an outside contractor like this last fuck was.

10 days after we move: I get a call. Cable guy #3 doesn’t seem to know why he’s coming out. I explain to him what he’s supposed to do. He’s confused and calls the company back. When he calls back, he informs me that he is just a salesperson and he is not the guy to do the kind of work that they need to. At least he’s honest. He also informs me that there is already yet another appointment that has supposedly been made to take care of this little issue. I’m pleased another appointment for tomorrow has been made, I’m pissed that nobody has considered telling me about it. Fuckers.

11 days after we move: Cable guy #4 comes about 2 hours early. The reason they are coming is because they need to drop a whole new line into the apartment. Seems that before we got here, when the people above us got hooked up, they had a shit line, and since the people living in my apartment didn’t have cable, instead of doing the right thing, they cut the lines, removed the tags, and switched it. Thus, I now have shit cable. Instead of doing the right thing a long time ago, one of those fucks put me in this situation that I’m in. Well, not only will they NOT fish the lines under the carpet for me (as has been promised to me by 4 of 5 morons with the cable company thus far), the letter I have is not good enough. Also, the cable needs to come down from the attic, through the walls, and into my place. This means that they will need to get into the apartment above mine for about 15 minutes to make sure nothing bad happens. Unfortunately for me, the woman above me will NOT let them in. So no cable for me. I now need to coordinate maintenence, the cable company, and my temper. That night, we buy a fish line from Home Depot and take care of the cords ourselves. Fuck them.

12 days after we move: The woman above us agrees to let them in Friday afternoon when she is called by maintenence (who I am now on a first name basis with). Why the fuck she didn’t say yes the day before is completely beyond me. The cable company is not nearly as agreeable. Cable guy #4 assured me that if I explained all the shit that had happened up until now, they would have no problem getting somebody out here within 24 hours. The person on the phone thinks this is insane. I ask to speak to her supervisor. She assures me they will call me sometime that afternoon. 4:45 rolls around, no call. I call back and get somebody else in a different office. This woman, somebody I had talked with before, sets up the appointment. I try and not kill any more people.

13 days after we move: Cable guy #4 comes back. He sets shit up. Almost everything goes without a hitch. He leaves, and Al Gore invents the internet. I resume my regular diet of obsessively checking my email.

It’s like taking an ice pick and ramming it through your soul. And in this case, I’m throwing so much stuff away or donating it to Goodwill. I’ve had about 11 years to collect a lot of this stuff, and tossing so much of it is strangely emotionally exhausting.

And now we are at the point where we are packing everything up to go into the truck tomorrow morning. It’s hard not to get a little crazy looking at everything left to do, but we have managed to get it about 97% done between our two places. And really, in the great Merger of Shit of 2006(TM), I guess that is to be expected.

So that’s it. See you when we get hooked back up to our lifeline.

She said yes.

Today, I will ask her to marry me.

It is May, and it’s almost “that time”.

The woman has graduated. It was a long, hard, chaotic rush to the finish line, but in the end it all worked out. Everything was completed on time on turned in. Sure, it was her work and her research, but in the end it kinda effects me too. She worked hard, and now it’s done. We celebrated by doing a ton of jack shit. It was delightful.

Our moving date has changed YET AGAIN back to a previous iteration. The apartment that we signed the lease for had a slight change in plans. Namely, the guy that was leaving because he was being transfered for his job… wasn’t getting transfered anymore. They couldn’t just throw him out, but that still left them in a rather difficult position of having 2 people signed for the same apartment. Given that my list of requirements for an apartment was somewhat specific, they didn’t have anything else for us to get switched to. So in the end, the offered us a slightly larger apartment at the old price we originally signed for. It all works out in the end, but secretly I liked the other place better. Had a nicer view, and the sun would come in through the living room and dining room windows. The advantage, however, is that it’s a little larger, and we can go back to moving in earlier on a weekend instead. More slave labor. Less than 2 weeks, and I can’t wait.

That just leaves us with this pesky little trip to Mackinac Island this Thursday. In an effort to get ready, we went for a bike ride yesterday morning. I have a hunch it was the bike that I was using, but holy shit I was sucking wind HARD only a mile or so in. The bike wasn’t exactly comfortable, and it did feel awfully heavy. Still, I feel like a giant wuss for not being able to ride a simple 10 mile path I normally am able to rollerblade with a certain degree of ease. I think I’ll shell out for a slightly better bike on the island for our afternoon ride when we get there. Last time I got this granny 1-speed machine with a glorious basket in the front. It was hard work, but I don’t recall being insanely exhausted, even when we were riding into the wind. They rent bikes at the resort, so we’ll see.

The whole premise of us staying at a “resort” still seems kinda strange. Normally not my style (or tax bracket for that matter), we will be staying there none the less. It’s cheaper since the heavy tourist season doesn’t really start until the day we leave. We will have the benefit of the island almost being to ourselves while still leaving when everything unofficially opens up for the tourist lemmings (of which we could arguably be 2 of). We almost stayed at The Grand instead, but aside from the porch not being open yet, the rules at that place are insane. After 6 guys must be in jackets and women must be in dresses or pant suits. Sorry, I was actually hoping to have fun on my vacation, was that too much to ask? After thinking about it, it seemed like aside from being able to say that we were staying at The Grand, we would almost guarenteed have more fun elsewhere.

And we will.