SHAFTWAXER

Today, I instead woke to the sound of a thunderstorm. This should normally be a good thing, but I woke up with a number of things working against me.

First, I’ve had a headache since sometime last night. There was a short period of time last evening where it went away, but eventually it did come back, and it really hasn’t gone anywhere since. I had really been hoping it would go away when I woke up. Not so.

What really is working against me is that I woke up in a massive funk, and I’m 99% sure that I know why. I had one of those dreams that leaves you feeling really uncomfortable when you are back in the waking world. It was like one of those shitty teen-angst horror/thriller movies, except I was in it. The beginning was kinda random, involving me being on a basketball team (with white uniforms) with a bunch of other very large and talented black players. I think one of them was supposed to be Shaq. This variation of basketball was played outside, and it was common to leave the court I guess. We at one point leave in the middle of the game to get popsicles.

Something ends the game, and we walk back to our home. It’s an older, run down 2-story house. It also seems that this house is “haunted” to some extend where the “ghosts” will somehow infect you or bite you or whatever the fuck it is that they do, and when you are bitten/gotten, you become one of them. I do remember actively wondering during the dream why we didn’t just move the fuck out of there, but I guess in true, shit horror movie style, you just don’t ask such blatantly obvious questions. At one point, one of our female roommates is scared, she thinks that she may have gotten attacked. To test this, she walks up to a screen door. If she can walk through it without opening it, she’s been hit. She pushes hard, and eventually walks through. She cries and is distraught.

It seems that the one thing that our predators don’t like is water. So we regularly are walking around our house with spray bottles. I also seem to remember wondering what we do at night while we are asleep and all this shit evaporates or soaks into the house. It’s a wonder we have not destroyed this place with all the water damage we are causing. It also seems that I have a roommate that has been infected/bitten/hit/whatever but he is still trying to fight it off. I ask him if he wants me to spray some water between us while we sleep, he says no. He’s not looking too good.

…and that’s when I woke up.

This is usually the sound that I wake to. There is an Indian guy that lives next to me (think Ghandi, not Sitting Bull) that comes out most mornings… and afternoons… and nights for that matter… to have a smoke break. This in and of itself is really nothing out of the ordinary, there are tons of people who still piss away money on that shit. What I find most interesting is that the entire time that he’s outside, he’s completely HACKING UP A LUNG. The whole time. He clearly isn’t feeling good, and the frequency of the cough would be enough to make me consider that it might be time to cut that shit out. But no… We get to listen to his lungs shit all over themselves every day. He likes to sit by his window when he’s inside. Coughing.

I realized a while ago that I never really recounted the whole moving thing. It was tiring, and it was difficult, but in the end everything worked out. We thought a 16ft truck would do the job, and we had already been doing our part to really cut down on the stuff we were taking. Lots of trips to GoodWill, even more trips out to the dumpster. Both of us were pretty much established with full sets of furniture, loaded kitchen, and everything else that goes with it. We knew the “Great Merger of the Shit(TM)” would cause some doubling up, so we actively were working to minimize it. The worst was the kitchen supplies. When it was all said and done, combined with the fact that our kitchen is probably the smallest that either of us have ever had, we still had WAY too much kitchen shit.

In the end, it all worked out though. Our apartment is very full, but not crowded. It feels nice and homey. (Coughing man just walked by again) The cat is happy, she has lots of window space to look out at, and nothing makes a cat happier than to have a bunch of birds and squirrels wandering around outside. Aside from that, the woman has started her job, the bank accounts, phone plan, and credit cards have merged, and I try and get as much done during the day as possible so I can be the good little domestic housewife and have dinner started when she comes home. We hit the gym most nights after dinner. We are so suburban yuppie it’s insane.

…and I’m just fine with that.