SHAFTWAXER

Fucking MySpace…

Letting people customize their layout with flagrant disregard for web standards, especially when they have no idea what the fuck they are doing, is a crime in and of itself. Letting people load in 74 videos that all autostart on their own and play over each other does nothing other than give you an idea of what it would be like to be schizophrenic. A bunch of applications that do nothing other than bring your browser to a fucking crawl. Delightful. And beyond that, color schemes that do nothing beyond cause pain and anguish. Briliant.

But my real issue is with the ability to become a distant, anonymous online stalker. Which is kinda what happens to me. I run into somebody I hadn’t thought about in a long time. Then you start reading and looking at their pictures and all that shit. I see these people, and invariably I start thinking about that time in my life. It of course doesn’t help that I’m also in a bit of an introspective funk of sorts myself, but hey.

Illinois was a fucked up time in my life. I think I see that more clearly now. And I think that I’m starting to realize why it was that way. Illinois was a snap decision on its own. Up until then, I had been moving in a single direction, all pretty much leading up to one thing: a spcific job I felt I had been assured I would get. When that didn’t happen, I lost focus, and I lost direction.

Illinois was mostly a time in my life when I was trying to figure shit out. I think looking back now, I can see myself really grasping at straws, trying to figure out what came next. I think I made a bunch of poor choices then. I also think that it is easier to make poor choices when you don’t really have a goal or a destination in mind. That doesn’t excuse you from making shit choices, but it at least offers some perspective as to why you might be inclined to do stupid shit.

When I came back from Illinois, I think I had a better concept as to what I was going to try and do with myself, but it really took a while for me to get moving in the right direction. Motivation. Shit like that. It only took me 2 or 3 years to get shit finally moving in the right direction and to be serious about it.

Maybe that’s my weakness. A lack of direction cause a lack of anything.

…like I said, unnecessarily deep thoughts.