SHAFTWAXER

5 days before we move: I call the cable company to establish TV and broadband internet service. I unfortunately am directed to an answering service as “all of our customer service representatives are currently assisting other customers right now”. It directs me to leave a metric fuckton of details in the message and tells me that somebody will return my call to set up the appointment within 24 hours.

3 days before we move: 48 hours later, I have yet to receive my call back. I’m annoyed. This ends up being a very early warning sign of the bullshit to come. I make yet another call. I’m a little shittier on the phone and point out that they never called me back.

2 days before we move: I get a call and they tell me they can get somebody there 2 days after we move in. Not too bad, like we really could do anything useful on the computer or with the TV while we are unpacking everything.

Moving day: It rains. A lot. More on this later.

2 days after we move: It’s a Monday. Cable guy shows up between 1 and 5, in this case, pleasantly early. He tries to set shit up, but he finds that the signal to our apartment is really weak. no regular channels are coming in and only a couple of digital do. Internet is totally useless. Beyond this, the apartment complex is REALLY old, and somehow they managed to retrofit the apartments with cable jacks in quite possibly the most useless and insane locations. No matter what, you are almost forced into one furniture setting unless you want to do something like run the coaxial cables under rugs or fish it under the carpet. The second bedroom (the one that we turned into our office… you know, the place with… I don’t know… THE COMPUTERS) does not have a jack. Cable guy informs me that not only will they be able to get a jack put in, but they wont have any problems running the cords under the carpet. He tells me that somebody will be calling me and setting the appointment for a specialist to come out and set things up within 1 to 3 days. I’m disappointed, but it seems respectable.

4 days after we move: On day 2 of the promised “1 to 3 days”, I finally get the call and they tell me that the absolute earliest that they can get somebody out here is next Monday. Seems “1 to 3 days” really means “next fucking week”. At this point, I’m pissed. I do all my business by the internet. It is my means to send out my product and communicate with my clients. This does NOT bode well.

9 days after we move: NEXT Monday. A new cable guy comes out. He smells like he has just got done smoking the whole fucking Marlboro factory. He goes out of his way to not only tell me that he wont do things that I had been promised that he would, but he’s also a dick about it. His job would apparently be so much better if it didn’t involve people or doing the things that are required of him at his job. He demands that I get a letter from my complex to take care of some of the things that I need done. I’m furious. So I head over and talk with the head of maintinence and get that shit taken care of. He asks us if we know that we have “a really fuzzy signal”… No shit, ass hole. That’s why they sent you out. After knocking some of my glass shit over on my glass tables, he leaves. Nothing is solved, nothing is accomplished aside from me wanting to rip his fucking head off. Looks like we get to enjoy yet another visit from yet another cable guy. I call the company and tell them I’m furious. They promise to call back that day to set the new appointment. As 6pm nears, I call them back and ask what the fuck?!? I’m assured that somebody new will be coming out tomorrow that will not be an outside contractor like this last fuck was.

10 days after we move: I get a call. Cable guy #3 doesn’t seem to know why he’s coming out. I explain to him what he’s supposed to do. He’s confused and calls the company back. When he calls back, he informs me that he is just a salesperson and he is not the guy to do the kind of work that they need to. At least he’s honest. He also informs me that there is already yet another appointment that has supposedly been made to take care of this little issue. I’m pleased another appointment for tomorrow has been made, I’m pissed that nobody has considered telling me about it. Fuckers.

11 days after we move: Cable guy #4 comes about 2 hours early. The reason they are coming is because they need to drop a whole new line into the apartment. Seems that before we got here, when the people above us got hooked up, they had a shit line, and since the people living in my apartment didn’t have cable, instead of doing the right thing, they cut the lines, removed the tags, and switched it. Thus, I now have shit cable. Instead of doing the right thing a long time ago, one of those fucks put me in this situation that I’m in. Well, not only will they NOT fish the lines under the carpet for me (as has been promised to me by 4 of 5 morons with the cable company thus far), the letter I have is not good enough. Also, the cable needs to come down from the attic, through the walls, and into my place. This means that they will need to get into the apartment above mine for about 15 minutes to make sure nothing bad happens. Unfortunately for me, the woman above me will NOT let them in. So no cable for me. I now need to coordinate maintenence, the cable company, and my temper. That night, we buy a fish line from Home Depot and take care of the cords ourselves. Fuck them.

12 days after we move: The woman above us agrees to let them in Friday afternoon when she is called by maintenence (who I am now on a first name basis with). Why the fuck she didn’t say yes the day before is completely beyond me. The cable company is not nearly as agreeable. Cable guy #4 assured me that if I explained all the shit that had happened up until now, they would have no problem getting somebody out here within 24 hours. The person on the phone thinks this is insane. I ask to speak to her supervisor. She assures me they will call me sometime that afternoon. 4:45 rolls around, no call. I call back and get somebody else in a different office. This woman, somebody I had talked with before, sets up the appointment. I try and not kill any more people.

13 days after we move: Cable guy #4 comes back. He sets shit up. Almost everything goes without a hitch. He leaves, and Al Gore invents the internet. I resume my regular diet of obsessively checking my email.