SHAFTWAXER

Why some people choose to get married is completely beyond me.

I look at them, I look at their style, I look at their soul, and then I get just a little depressed because it seems like the person they are with just completely weighs them down from something that they could be or could have been. This is especially profound when I look at some other married couples and think how incredibly good they are together and for each other.

Maybe some of this is superimposing myself into their relationship, and really, that’s not entirely fair of me to do. After all, I’m not them, I don’t know what really makes them tick, nor do I know the circumstances and experiences that led to them hooking up. Then again, maybe we are all victims of sappy fucking movies, unrealistic sitcoms, and unfair diamond commercials designed to show you exactly how pathetic your love life is unless your man buys you a huge fucking diamond, takes you to Paris, and proposes to you all over again on the footsteps of some building where we secretly replaced your parents with Folgers Crystals.

So let’s take a stand together and give a hearty FUCK OFF to the diamond industry (don’t even get me started about how the diamond trade and industry supports the evils of slavery and terrorism far more than pot could ever aspire to) and to the jack-offs at Hallmark. We don’t need your toxic horse shit polluting us mortals just trying to get by and do the best we can.

We’re too busy getting divorces to put up with your shit.