SHAFTWAXER

As we get closer to our closing date and start to narrow in on the actual date that we will be able to move into the house, I find myself getting more and more antsy about moving. Even more so, I find my tolerance of shit here in the apartment complex getting decidedly lower, more so than it already was. And with that, I give you a short list of things that I will not miss about this place, including, but not limited to, the following:

• Extremely suspect climate control. The thermostat insists that it is at least 85 degrees in here. I assure you, this is not the case.
• The stupid fuck who lives across the street. Aside from peeling out of here around 40 or 45 when there are kids playing here, he insists on parking his car along the street. This would not be an issue aside from the fact that his car alarm is set to go off if you fart within our zip code. So any car that drives by sets it off. Anybody that walks by it sets it off. Sometimes, it seems like a slight gust of wind sets it off. In the winter with the windows closed, this is not nearly as bad, but having chucklefuck’s car going off through the night in the summer is not pleasant.
• The stupid fucks who live diagonally above us. When we don’t share any common walls or ceilings but I can STILL feel your bass when I’m sitting on my floor, we have a fucking problem. This leads me to…
• The entry door and hallway to the apartment. The doorway is right next to our bedroom. The same stupid fucks diagonally above us have a habit of coming in really late, drunk out of their fucking mind, yelling and screaming and having a great time. We, of course, hear every word of this. At 2:30 in the morning. On a week night. When the woman gets up at 5:30 for work. This door also slams pretty hard when used normally, so we get to hear that. We also get to hear said chucklefucks stomping up and down the stairwell with glorious clarity.
• Same chucklefucks don’t always get along, and they seem to enjoy having their arguments in the hallway so we can all enjoy their domestic issues. We’ve only called the authorities on them once, but others have as well.
• The people that live directly above us are quite nice, although they are quite… heavy. We get to listen to them lumber around a lot. I am looking forward to not listening to that. I’m also looking forward to not hearing them work on whatever project they are working on. At all hours of the day and night, I hear this gentle grinding sound, like they are scraping the carpet off the floorboards. It’s not loud, but it is noticeable. What the fuck are they doing up there anyway?
• The parking lot. Namely, people coming home at night and their headlights invariably shining directly into my office or the bedroom. We of course also get the joy of hearing their parking lot conversations because our window is a mere 2 feet from the lot. By the way, the car alarm across the street just went off again. Aces!
• To go along with the parking lot, I’m looking forward to having a garage attached to the house. I wont have to try and carry everything in shit weather so we can get it all inside in one trip. I wont have to scrape off the snow and ice. And even though there are not assigned parking spots, when everybody ends up getting the same spot 99% of the time, it’s really fucking annoying when somebody else takes yours. It’s stupid, I know, but it pisses my shit off.
• The woman next door who smokes like a fucking chimney. She goes outside because she doesn’t want her place to smell like shit. That’s nice. It also means that all her fucking smoke comes into our windows so OUR place can smell like shit. Honestly, why the fuck people still smoke in this day and age is beyond me.
• The mailbox. It’s currently a block away. And when the weather gets nice and cold, the lock on the mailbox has a nice habit of freezing. We have already had to have them replace the lock once. Beyond that, in this massive bank of boxes, the mailman tends to take the bin of mail and set it on top of the boxes while he sorts and puts or mail in our respective box. This in and of itself is fine until you realize that he does this weather it’s sunny or raining like a banshee. So all that mail gets rain soaked until it is in your box. Damaged by the rain. Nice.
• The electric stove. I was brought up with electric, but for the last 6 years, I have been totally spoiled with a gas stove, and I loved it. This one is picky, and beyond that, if you make a silly mistake like turning on the wrong burner, you wont notice until much much later. I know, it’s my own fault that I’m too fucking stupid to turn on the correct burner that less than 1% of the time, but hey. I want my gas stove.
• The refrigerator. It’s a piece of shit. You buy a bag of cheese. It sits there for a few days still sealed. You open the bag a few days later only to find that there is a ton of condensation in the bag and some of it is not wet and runny. Even better, as part of the defrosting process of the freezer, water runs down the back of the fridge on the inside. Not through a tube, it just free falls. And if you happen to have something along the very back of the fridge, it gets drenched.
• While we are at it, I’m looking forward to having a kitchen that is larger than my cat’s litter box. There is barely enough room for the 2 of us to be working in there. This will definitely NOT be an issue when we move. And the car alarm across the street just went off again.
• The washer and dryer. I will not miss having to do most loads of colors twice in the dryer. At all.

I know I’m leaving some things out, and to be fair, it’s not like I’m really looking forward to shoveling snow or mowing the lawn, but man. I’m ready to go. It’s not all bad here, but when you see what you are going to be able to have in the very near future…

I’m ready to move.