SHAFTWAXER

I am finishing up my masters degree at Illinois. They have given out the assignments of where everybody is going to be going. Seems that their masters program requires you to go out and do a semester of student teaching like they also do for undergrad. This seems odd, but whatever. I just got my assignment. Of all the schools that I could be going to, I’m going to Lockport, the same school my ex (Jenny 1.0) went to. And to make matters even more interesting, we have host families, almost like we are exchange students. My host family will be 1.0’s parents. How fucking awkward is that going to be?

So in this mess, the day that I’m moving in, her parents are not there. Why? Because she’s getting married today. So it looks like I’m going to go. I make my way over to the church through the back streets. They are not going to have the wedding at a church though, they are having it at the high school auditorium. I realize that I didn’t change for the wedding, I looks like shit. I’m wearing jeans and my black Eric Cartman “Well screw you too!” shirt. I looks around and see a few old Illinois faces that I have not heard from or even thought about in a very long time including Amy in her sleeveless black dress. I talk with an usher that knows me rather well, and it seems that I know him too. I have 20 minutes, so I’m going to run back “home” and change into something a bit more respectable. I don’t even know if I have been invited to this thing, but if I’m going to be here, I’m gonna look good so she knows that I am doing better now than when I was with her or some other bullshit revenge reason.

I can do this if I run. I head outside, and also running in the same direction as me is this Italian boy. I have this plastic cane that has a single wheel on the bottom. It seems to be helping me with stability. I also should be pounding this kid on my way back home. It’s not a race, but I seem to be treating it like it is, and I’m uncharacteristically equating my masculinity to whether or not I can beat this stupid kid in a race he doesn’t even know about. On the way back, I see the giant black curtain that my friend Dave has been talking about making for winterguard shows. It is hanging over a giant field next to the house.

During the entire run home, I’m on my cell phone talking to an old high school acquaintance Doug Shepard. I hadn’t seen him in years until I ran into him at the midnight premier of Star Wars Episode 3. I finally get to the house and run upstairs. I’m looking all over for the right shirt and tie combo that will make whatever statement I guess I’m trying to make. I finally settle on all black with a silver tie. An oddly dark combination, but hey.

I look at the time. I have just under 10 minutes. I need to haul ass to get back. I run out the door, almost knocking over the lamp in the process.

And that’s when I woke up.