SHAFTWAXER

Scratch another one off the list of “shit I would like to do at some point in my life,” I’ve officially been to Las Vegas.

One of the more interesting features of Las Vegas (at least to me) was that I already knew where a lot of things were or what they were by sight from playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas so much. Sure, some of the names were a little different (what do you mean it’s called Caeser’s Palace and not Caligula’s Palace?) but I found myself strangely familiar with my surroundings.

The area around Vegas is equally beautiful and disgusting at the same time. The desert does have a strange beauty to it, and as you are on the outskirts of town, the mountains are incredible, especially when the only mountains you are used to in Michigan come from the morbidly obese serving up mashed potatoes at the Old Country Buffet. The significant lack of grass is a little unsettling, even more so the choice to replace grass with gravel and stones. Then again, grass isn’t really supposed to be in the desert. It’s called the desert for a reason.

While there, we were treated to tickets to see the Celine Dion show. I’m sure that it is hard to believe, but I’m not really a Celine Dion fan. I know, it completely goes against my character. The dancers were incredible, and the stage and set design were nothing short of phenomenal. Celine, however, lip syncs roughly a third of her show. And holy shit, does she EVER have the faux humility thing down to a science. During the show, a star struck woman said during one of the ovations “Isn’t she incredible? She’s so humble! She’s SO GRACIOUS!” I had to turn around and see what she looked like. I couldn’t believe somebody could be so fucking oblivious.

If I were to never go back, I don’t think I would really be all that upset. I don’t think that Las Vegas could ever live up to the myth, the lure, the allure it brings upon itself. Unless you are stacked with money, I don’t think it can be nearly as glamourous as one would like it to be. The sheer volume of white trash wandering up and down the strip is only matched by the sheer volume of traffic not going anywhere along I-15 and I-215. I don’t know, I always had this image that had probably been pounded into my head about casinos and all that, but in reality, it’s a ton of old white people pissing away their money in front of a slot machine. And honestly. Is it necessary to have a fucking slot machine every 4 feet? You get off the plane and not 20 yards from the gate is a bank of slot machines. At the cookie-cutter schools we practiced at I swore I saw slot machines in the lockers. Amazing.

I don’t have a problem with gambling. It’s your money, do what you want with it. Hell, I like the games, it’s the money that I’m not so fond of losing. But really, when you look at all the money that was sunk into that sandbox in Nevada, it makes you wonder what kind of effect it would have had on AIDS research, health care, or curing cancer. Don’t get me wrong, I recognize how incredibly fortunate I am to have had the opportunity that I did. It was an incredible experience, and I’m thrilled that I had the opportunity to experience it. But just like New Orleans, it was the people I was with that made the place great, not the place itself.

We now return to your regularly schedule angst… right… NOW.